Home Alone*

It is rare these days that I’m ever truly home ALONE.  Today I have the tile guy (replacing the backsplash in the kitchen from its former horror show status) and a teenaged boy upstairs in his room.  In about an hour you can add a 10 year old saxophone player to the mix.

You know - I’m not a huge Simpson’s fan – but Mora is quite like Lisa in a lot of ways. :)

Anyway most notably missing is my little baby boy who is on Week 2 of daycare. 

The result?  It’s been good for both of us I think.

Choosing what to do with Ryan was a tough decision.   On one hand the fact that I work from home often could offer us some flexibility but  it’s not an exact science.   There could be days where I am home all week – or days where I have to be in NYC.    Finding someone to watch Ryan in our home would prove difficult primarily because I can’t tell week to week what I’d need.
Plus there’s the whole being dependant on one person for all your daycare needs.  If s/he were sick I’d (or Dave would) have no choice but to stay home.   Organized daycare was the right decision for us – for now at least.

Ryan is thriving.   He’s been more on a schedule since he started and I dare say is eating a little less.   He’s gotten some great naps in as well and the daily reports I get from his teachers is his mood – all day – is happy.
I still think there is no one in the world more capable of taking care of that child than me but I’ll tell the truth – being a mother – while everything I’ve ever wanted – is a really tough job.   I don’t always like it.    There are moments where all I really want in this world is to just sleep for five more minutes.   As much as I love holding him there are times I just want my hands free – to be able to do just one thing for myself without consequence.     There have been times where I’ve ducked out to do something only to regret coming back and being welcomed home to what resembles a disaster area.

I have come to the conclusion that although I really love my baby to pieces I need some time – even just a few hours a day – to myself.  
Admittedly – my situation is different.  Ryan is my first baby but the fourth child in this household.   My authority over the other children is not as strong.  I can make suggestions and am here to care for them but disciplining them (for more than leaving a mess)  is not my responsibility.   It’s a helpless feeling at times.   Problems arise but often I can’t implement a solution.

Another thing I did not expect?  While I was on leave my world became very small.   I had nothing but the ladies of Bravo and the Barefoot Contessa as company some days.   Then there was feeding Ryan and changing Ryan and caring for Ryan and everyone else as well as mountains of laundry…cleaning up…making meals…cleaning up.

Lather, rinse, repeeat and lather, rinse, repeeeeat, and lather rinse repeeeeat…

As needed. :)

This is assuming it was a day I could actually find time to take a shower.

(sidenote:  The pipes in our shower sounded – for the life of me – exactly like Ryan wailing.  It was almost 5 months before I could take a relaxing shower in this house)

Add to that the fact that all my friends reside in NYC or on Long Island.   I don’t know anyone here in NJ – not the kind of people that I can meet for lunch or go shopping with.   That could change rather quickly – especially now that Ryan is at ‘school’.    I’m looking forward to connecting with other parents.    Soon enough – I keep telling myself.   Soon enough.

I don’t think I had a serious case of PPD but there is so much to feel guilty about when you have a child.    Induce or not to induce, drugs or no drugs, breastfeed or formula, childwearing 24/7, cloth or disposable diapers.  I’m not here to malign or judge the decisions made by anyone else but I can tell you this.   From his birth to our daycare decision – everything I’ve done has had the primary goal to keep me sane so I can continue to do everything I need to get done – for me and for everyone else.     It’s not always a selfish decision.  

What I’ve learned is quite often taking care of myself is one of the most selfless things I can do.

So I’m here – just starting to get busy and back into the swing of things at work with a relatively quiet house and missing this face like crazy.

In about 4-5 more hours I can go pick him up.   Can’t. Wait.